Confusion of Feelings
by QUeenVi3515
Summary: A glimpse on Alucard and Integra's affair.


Notes: See end of the story for notes.

Disclaimer: Hellsing and all characters in this fic is created by Kouta Hirano. I earn no money by writing this fic.

Confusion of Feelings.

_She tugged at the knot of her kimono. The smooth silk parted in the front exposing a wide strip of smooth and tawny skin, from the sleek column of her throat, to her clavicle and a couple of inches down, along where the swell of her heavy breasts began. He can almost hear the whisper of silk on her skin as the garment opened wider revealing that beautiful body; unwrapping it like a gift, and thus It is how he thought of her that very moment…a present. The scarlet article finally slipped from her shoulders, sliding down caressingly from her person; it pooled down on the floor around her feet like blood. _

_Thus she stands before him gloriously naked like the day she was born, save for the diamond choker around her neck; an heirloom from her mother. Venus in diorite._

"_Touch me". _

_He was only too happy to carry out her command and he promptly went to her, He took her in his arms and laid her to bed. He laid his hands on her, on her warm, soft skin; touching her in the most similar and closest manner possible that he can make love to her. Alucard pinned Integra under him; drowning his senses with her breath, her body heat, the taste of the salty sweat on her skin, the sound of her heartbeat and in the maddening musk of her arousal; Alucard relishes the woman who took him to bed, the one who he calls master. Sucking a mouthful of her breast, he leaned against her chest, hearing the insistent thumping of that organ inside her ribcage and the maddening rhythm of the blood that circulates with every beat. It had the effect of doubling the lust he feels. Unable to help himself, Alucard slipped a couple of fingers inside her- an act that earned him a gasp of pleasure from those lips which he was so forbidden to kiss. He stifled the groan which threatens to erupt from his throat by biting his lips hard…hard enough to draw blood. She is just so wet…so hot and so tight. It took all his self-control to stop himself from ramming her; for her rules are the rules._

_In his arms is Integra Hellsing, the embodiment of every woman he's ever wanted, every woman he's ever desired-and as much as he wants to have her, he cannot. Hence he drew those sleek legs apart, baring that place where he was denied entry. Burying his head in the apex of her thighs he then proceeded to worship her._

I m not to kiss her in the lips, I am not to enter her, I shall call her Master at all times and most importantly; her blood is not to flow in any case. These are the rules she decreed on our arrangement.

But save for those rules I am free to touch and hold her in any way I wish- and she may use me in any manner she deems fit to satisfy her need for release. That I don't mind; I am more than happy to pleasure her. I look at Integra, the woman who I secretly like to think of as my countess; the orgasm she had merely an hour ago brought a pleasant afterglow on her skin, giving a pleasant flush on her cheeks. My eyes trail over her patrician features; admiring their symmetry. Those sensuous lips are slightly parted and I find myself unable to tear my glance on them, wondering how they would feel against mine. I let myself savour her presence a little more while, feeling that warmth radiating from her body for just a little more while.

This is the most intimate that I can be with her. She always orders me to leave immediately, immediately after. But now that she's unintentionally fallen asleep, no doubt from the exhaustion now that her passion's spent; I will take the opportunity to stay in her bed a little longer, until she asks me to go away. And she'll definitely will, the moment she wakes up.

This arrangement has been going on for almost three years now- Integra was nineteen the first time she shared her bed to me. I have no illusions- I know perfectly well the dynamics of this arrangement; I'll call it that since I am not sure whether this thing between me and her is even fit to be called an affair. I will not fool myself into believing that there's something more than just that I know too well that I am merely a matter of convenience.

She may be Integra Hellsing but among other things… she is only a woman with needs and considering her circumstances; it is even understandable that she's turned to me.

Wrapping an arm around her, I allow myself the indulgence of holding her a little longer. She is a reciprocating partner that at least, I will give her. Remembering the treat she gave me a couple of nights ago. The sensation of her hot mouth tightly sheathed around me, sucking and licking; a hand sliding up and down my shaft in rhythm with that fair head of hers bobbing up and down my lap…It was sheer heaven.

Our assignations often happen after midnight, where the hours are at its darkest and hardest; when everybody in the mansion is cocooned inside their rooms, sound asleep under the warm comforters of their beds. Where even the most disciplined and seasoned guards on night watch are dragged down by the leaden weight of sleepiness; dulling senses which at other times are almost predatory.

Other times I visit her room at the earliest hours in the morning, before dawn; before the residents of the manor rouse themselves from sleep- three hours at most, before I retire to my coffin.

Her lust is at its strongest after each time she has an altercation with those prunes from the round table or with those zealots from the Vatican or simply when there are sub-standard vampires who simply make too much of a ruckus in the process of my hunting them down.

One early morning after a nasty confrontation with that Judas priest in Baidrick the night before, I visited my master in her room; only to be told to leave and wait for her instead in the convention room.

Though puzzled by the command, I still did what I was told; being the obedient hound that I am.

An hour later, we ended up in a tangle of limbs on top of the long and oval-shaped mahogany table. I, moist with her sweat and her skin…slick with my saliva, come dawn.

She had bruises on her back which took almost a couple of weeks to fade after that tryst.

She loves to play games…She likes tying my wrists with her favourite, red-colored cravat on one of the bedposts; despite the fact that she and I both know that the thing would not restrain me the least, if I choose to.

Nonetheless, I always cooperate and put on an act of being bound and helpless…a man completely at her mercy. She delights in my surrender making her unbound my wrists, after which I pounce on her; planting violent kisses on her chest, arms and stomach.

I love to suck at that place on her inner thighs, my lips marking that soft and tender flesh of coffee-cream skin with tiny bluish-black bruises. From time to time I retaliate and I let my canines drag on her skin, giving her a little scare; just a bit of fright to remind her about the nature of the creature whom she allowed in her bed.

It does frighten her a bit, even if she is too dignified to show it.

It thrills me immensely to feel her pulse race from a mixture of lust and fear as I scrape my fangs on her chest, before latching my mouth on one of her breasts. The tiniest millilitre of blood gushes from these light abrasions, and I on my part, lap it up greedily. She arcs her back and moans deep from her throat as my cold tongue slither over her heated skin.

The pleasure is mutual though, for I find the taste of her precious blood mixed with the slightly salty taste of her sweat, on her hot skin, nothing short of blissful.

A frown passed between her perfectly shaped brows, faintly creasing the smooth skin in her forehead; making the shallowest little lines surface. She should start cutting down on her smoking.

A tic twitches the corner of her mouth as she gives out a sigh-a sign that she'll be waking up any minute from now.

That being my cue-I get up to take my leave.

Gently disentangling myself from her I rise from her bed. Picking the discarded clothing which she herself had divested from my person a couple of hours ago off the floor, I started on the task of putting my clothes back on. I was done wearing my pants and was about to wear my linen when I heard her mobile phone, on top of her dresser table vibrate.

I went to look at who the caller might be at this time. At three o' fucking clock in the morning, it is long past the hours for social calls and friendly conversations over the phone.

On my way to the her dresser table my toes tugged on something making me glance down. Only to see the straps of her lacy under things twined on my toe. I accidentally stepped on her brassiere, feeling the softness of its pad on my insole.

Yes, lingerie. The cold and imposing knight she is, clad in men's suits and accessorized with pistols and a sword. No one will ever expect that underneath those trappings that scream masculinity are soft and high full breasts, a well-shaped bottom, and a tiny waist which pleasantly swells into delightfully rounded hips...legs that go on forever. Feminine charms enticingly covered with the sheerest satin and silks, the most delicate lace. Lingerie… a secret that only her, me and Walter-who keeps her wardrobe knows about; Integra is nothing short of a siren underneath those layers of stifling garments.

On the screen of her phone is a number, with no name to identify the caller. The person on the other end of the line is insistently ringing her personal line and I did nothing to let her know about it, let alone answer it myself. I know very well that it couldn't be an emergency because if it is, then Walter within seconds, should be in this room by now; hauling our master from bed.

I ignored it, letting it ring…It is in silent mode anyway.

The green-eyed monster is currently in the process of wreaking its havoc on my breast though I know very well that I am in no position to be jealous. For all I know I am just a play thing to her, it's even pathetic to feel like this over a mere phone call, and an unanswered one at that.

I retraced my steps and continued on the task of getting dressed. I am half-way done in fastening the buttons of my shirt before hearing her voice, made husky with sleep.

"Already leaving and not even going to say goodbye, I thought you have better manners vampire."

I turn to look at her. She is now on her side, her head propped up by an arm, gazing at me with an unreadable expression in those blue, blue eyes.

"I'd better take my leave now before I overstay my welcome…Master"

I let the last word trail, saying it like an afterthought.

I gazed at her face. Those eyes took on an inquiring and guileless expression that has nothing to do with her poor vision. Women and their wiles and all I thought she is above those things- obviously I thought wrong.

"I thought you were asleep."I bluntly answered.

"I was". She replied arching an eyebrow.

And now she is baiting me.

"Would you rather have me disturb your rest just to excuse myself?, this is the only time you are concerned with my saying goodbye after meeting me for the night; before then, you never seem to mind even if I vanish into thin air."

I turned my back against her, doing the remaining buttons of my shirt, not bothering to say anything in reply.

"Come back to bed"

Rather surprised by the request I look back- and was surprised to see the sheets; which mere seconds ago was covering her body, thrown back. She is now sprawled in the bed shamelessly naked. I greedily take in the sight of those wide expanses of flawless coffee-cream skin; a vision that had me spell-bound. How easy it would be to crawl back in bed with her, if not for the fact that it is almost dawn and the sun will be rising soon and along with it; the household staff.

"The sun will be up soon and with it…the snooping maids, which only means that I have to go back to the dungeons to retire for the day and you to squeeze in a nap and rest for the meanwhile."

"Get the most out of your night while you can-you still have the rest of the day ahead of you."

"You're starting to sound like Walter, and since when did you start to care about what the maids has to say?"

"Have you forgotten the fact that you are master of this house; a young, well-bred and unmarried woman, to add. That said it is most unbecoming for a male to be seen exiting your rooms at this hour"

"Even if that certain male is a vampire?" She mockingly added.

I turned my back on her once again.

"What is this sudden moralistic turn in your part hmmm? We aren't in the dark ages anymore."

I suddenly felt a warm pair of arms slither around my torso, encircling it.

"You can just phase through the walls, it's no big deal really…we still have a bit of time".

Candle-shaped fingers started undoing the buttons of my shirt once again. This is so unlike her, a go or two is usually enough to satisfy her for the night.

"Can't get enough of me can you?"

She knew better than to dignify this with an answer.

"Bed...Now" She seductively whispered in my ear, feeling the inviting warmth of her breath against my cold skin.

"No"

"Yes"

I feel one of her hands slid inside my partially undone shirt, gliding down my belly and lower. I drew in a sharp and unneeded intake of air.

Why this sudden spike in her libido? She comes to me with an insistence akin to desperation like a female on heat. Not like her at all.

Turning towards her, I gently lifted her chin gently to look her in the eyes; I ask her softly.

"Master, is something the matter?"

She was startled with the question; I was able to make out the flash of emotion that flitted on her face within seconds, before she was able to school her features in an instant in that perfect mask of nonchalance. It was brief but it was there.

"What makes you say that?"

"Is there something that is bothering you?"

"It is nothing that concerns you."

With that, she pulled herself away from me. She started heading back to bed.

"Maybe you are right; it's time for you to leave." She answered in a voice that was suddenly weary.

She sat at the side of her bed, facing the direction where I am standing. Her eyes are looking at a spot in the marble floor of the room; her face blank.

"Pray, tell."

"Thanks, but no thanks."

At the moment I want nothing more in this world than to read what's on her mind but unfortunately, I cannot…the seals made sure of that.

"I insist."

"You are overstepping your bounds this time servant."

"Would it be for the better if I keep myself in line this time?"

She let out a deep sigh with this. Behind her, the curtains are drawn from the huge, sliding, fibre-glass windows; the sky is turning into a shade of lilac signalling daybreak. Against the sombre backdrop, her delicate figure appeared frailer framed in that monstrous bed which once belonged to Arthur; around the plush pillows and the thick comforters.

A creature made of honey, coffee and cream; naked like a woodland nymph. Beautiful…that is all I can think of. Beautiful with her blonde hair and tawny skin. A woman. One is one and all alone and ever more shall be so. I felt a surge of protectiveness rush over me, making me want to take her in my arms.

"Since you are so persistent about it, I think I'd better let you know."

I waited, for her to continue.

"It's about the issue of Hellsing and a successor, this time those old men are out for blood. The chauvinistic pigs that they; they want me to marry at the soonest possible time under the guise having me produce an heir for the organization- Well in fact, I know too well that they just couldn't wait to get rid of me from the table."

"Arrangements for it are being made as of the consequence -arrogant young men from stuck-up noble families of lineage that dates back from…the crusades maybe, with the way they brag about their titles; pressing their suits." Her lips drew into a thin condescending smile as she said this.

"I can't believe at the way those knights act…like old women playing match makers; each of one of them betting on their favourite candidates; as if they are horses instead of young men."

"They want me to enter into marriage, not only that…they expect me to hand myself and on top of that, the leadership of Hellsing, my _Hellsing_…my legacy to my future husband; whoever that bastard may be."

"I find it archaic, grotesque and vulgar; Sir Penwood even went as far as to tell me in an unbelievably serious face that I can have my pick among any of them."

"I know too well that they expect me to relinquish my position to the man who will be my husband- I can see my father turn in his grave. But I won't have any of it, I'll be damned if I let them trample over me just because I am a woman. Diplomatic relations with other agency heads be damned. Suitable marriage arrangements... this is the 21st century; this is my life they don't tell me when and who I will marry, that is if I ever want to get married at the first place."

Marriage, legacy...Heirs, of course; point taken. She has a duty as the head of the family, the fact that she is a woman doesn't make the situation any easier for her either. One way or another, It is expected of her to follow tradition and bend to convention.

Cannot be, cannot be. The mere idea of it makes me rage with anger and jealousy. I won't allow any other man lay his hands on her. I will flay alive the bastard who first came up with this marriage issue.

Nonetheless, I have no right to feel this way about the whole matter. She owns me and I am bound to her by blood but this does not mean that she is mine to have. She is master, and I am her servant; a servant who is a little more than a slave and a vampire on top of it. I will never have the privilege to pin her hair up while she is in the bath. Nor will I have the chance to haggle over baby names with her as I wait for her womb to swell from my child that is growing inside her. Those will be the privileges of some other man-and what a lucky creature that man will be, to have such a fine lady for a wife. The young, beautiful virgin she is. For she is exactly that. After all that Integra and I have done between the sheets; she is technically-still a virgin. The taste of it in her blood is unmistakable…delectable-even that blood which flows from between her legs every month-that blood which is already considered waste, bears that characteristic taste.

But no, she is not just any other noble woman… She is Integra Hellsing. She is mine…always been mine. From that time when she was thirteen and she came crawling from the ventilation shafts on the ceiling to the dungeons, with dust on her hair and dirt in her dress; her mind screaming bloody murder from that dog of an uncle who is trying to kill her.

"Why don't you get married then?"

"Seriously, you are asking me that question?"

"Well, this isn't a good time for me to joke."

"You do have a perverse sense of humor."

"Why don't you get married then?"

I pressed on the question. With that she threw herself in her mattress, those long, naked legs of hers still dangling by the edge of the bed.

"Why… do you want me to get married?" She asked in a barely audible whisper…so soft it was lost by the hum of the air-conditioning unit; but not from my preternatural senses.

She is upset, by the whole thing; but in the name of Hellsing, she will do anything…even marry and beget a child if it need be.

I approached the bed where she lay; sitting on the mattress. I turned to look at her. She had her slender arms behind her head; pillowing it. Her hair, a tangle of golden strands against the cream-colored sheets. Sapphire eyes staring at the ceiling.

"You want me to drain them… those lily-livered knights?"

She turned to look at me, giving me a wistful little smile; she who seldom smiles.

"As much as I want you to, you cannot and should not."

"Why?"

She just shrugged at my question.

"There is an easy way out of this Master, The offer still stands."

"What you are suggesting is inconceivable."

"Why so? It is as good as any marriage proposal."

"No…it will be sacrilegious to my forefathers' legacy."

"You can still lead the organization; the only difference is that you need not concern yourself about getting old…of your noble line dying out or of it being tainted by someone who do not deserve being associated with your name."

This I bluntly pointed out to her.

"You'll still be master…my master, that wouldn't change"

That I added, in my desire to persuade her.

"You need not worry about…. marital duties…I won't impose myself in your bed."

This I said; hoping against hope that she will consent.

And what I wouldn't give up in this world just for her to say yes; I will say anything, promise her everything…give her anything she might wish for in this world. Nothing she asks will ever be too much or petty. I want her to walk the nights with me for all eternity. She will suffice for me for everything and anything. She is all I've ever wanted.

She is looking at me intently with those eyes; making me want to drown in those deep dark pools of blue.

"And what of our dearest Seras-the charming girl draculina that she is? She is always ever so agreeable."

Seras; my lovely fledgeling. She is pleasing to the eye, that much is obvious. I acted on a whim with my turning her and that had driven a slight wedge between me and my Master, it was slight but it was there. I know that Integra fears that Seras will draw my attention away from her; that I took the girl to be my bride. But such is definitely not the case; the appointment of being my bride and consort is exclusively reserved for Integra, for her alone, should she decide to spend eternity with me.

"The three of us can all live together"

"Like family?"

Family… the idea struck me; the concept sounds so strange…so alien.

Yet foreign as it is may seem to me, I find the notion appealing. I've been alone for too long.

"Yes, like family."

My fingers stroke the silky skin in her neck, letting my index finger drag lower, tracing her sternum; feeling the rise and fall of her chest with each breath. I drew indecipherable patterns with my fingers in the velvety softness of her chest; lightly stroking those youthful breasts that hasn't yet suckled an infant. Her breath caught in her throat.

"We could travel around the world; go to places where mere mortals cannot set foot on."

I said in the smoothest whisper…if it's just seduction, we vampires do a better job of it than any other creature in this world.

"Do consider…a body that does not age, eyes that would never need correction and beauty that does not need any care or maintenance." I cupped at a breast to emphasize my point.

She closing her eyes, she drew in a sharp intake of breath. I lifted a lock of her hair, inhaling its scent-Integra's characteristic scent; it smelled of apple-scented shampoo mingled with the odor of her expensive vice. I can still smell the undertones of that costly perfume which is she loves to spritz on her hair, it still lingered on those strands of gold even after she's taken a full bath before going to bed…Chanel No. 5.

"You will be above them all…above humanity"

With that her, eyes flew open and an expression akin to anger settled on her face.

"No, no…stop this Alucard."

She abruptly stood up and reached for her dressing robe that was haphazardly slung in the headboard; wrapping herself with it.

"I was born a human, and I will die as one."

This she declared in a flat, expressionless voice.

A minute of pregnant silence passed between us before she continued.

"As tempting as your offer may sound, I have to decline for reasons I'm quite sure you know of."

This she said in a tone that was almost kindly, holding my face with both hands; her eyes holding my gaze.

"Please do not press on this matter anymore."

She turned away from me once again, as she walked towards her armoire opening the huge mahogany panels of her wardrobe.

"You better go; its already a quarter past five and I need a cold shower."

I care for her; I care for her like no one else in this wretched world does. I care for her more than anybody and anything in this world; I care for this woman more than I've ever cared for anyone in my damned centuries-long existence and it will pain me like no other to see her go to the arms of another man-a mortal to add and to see time take her away from me.

But no matter what, I do not want to fall out of her favour. I do not want her to hate me.

"You have my blessing."

Her hands froze mid-air, in the middle of its act of pulling a pair of slacks from her armoire; she turned her gaze to where I am still sitting.

"I beg your pardon."

"Marry. Marry an honourable man for a husband-a noble, as much as possible. I will respect whoever that person may be and I will remain loyal to you until your death. And if you so order it from me, I will afford some measure of devotion to whomever that man you chose to marry. Anyway, His and your offspring will be my master in the future-the future head of Hellsing. But do remember that I cannot serve two masters, and I will put above anything else, first and foremost; my duty to serve and protect you. And if the man you chose proves to be undeserving of you and in any way treat you in ungallant fashion...If he so much as lay a finger on you with anything less than a good intention or bring dishonour upon you in any manner. I will have none of it, I will not tolerate any of it; I will make him suffer a most painful death-then carve his heart out of his chest, and serve it to you in a golden platter. There will be no second chances for him"

The words tumbled roughly from my lips, in a raw voice that sounded harsh even to my ears; feeling a tight sensation in my chest, from an emotion which I dare not name.

She approached me slowly, walking towards the place where I am seated; and before me she stood, looking at me with a soft expression. Taking my face with both of her hands, she held me once again. This time, she touches me-caressing my face most tenderly with those warm and soft hands. She stroked my cheeks, my lips and my forehead with her hands; fingers tracing the bridge of my nose and my brows. I on my part leant towards her touches, savouring this rare display of affection from her; grasping one of her hands, I pressed a kiss on her palm. She gently brushed the ebony locks that dangled on my forehead away from my eyes. Putting her hands on the either side of my head, she gently asked.

"Why are you doing this?"

How could I lie to her when she is looking at me with those lovely eyes?

"I love you…plain and simple. And how I wish that there could be something more between us, than just this." My hands gave a slight gesture to the room. "But I know that it is not my place to ask for more and that I shouldn't. It is indeed too much for me to ask of it- I am well aware that I should be satisfied, even be grateful with how things are. And I know, that I should back away without as much as a question if you so wish for me to step aside; and I will do exactly that if you ask me to." I continued, unwavering.

The confession was uncalled for. Truth be told, I never expected for me to tell her that, for the reason that I do not want to relieve myself from what I feel at her expense.

It wasn't my intention to burden her with what I feel, for those are none of her concern; it is my own undoing that I allowed myself to fall in love with her. But now that the matter is out in the open-I will understand and even accept if she puts a halt on our dalliance.

She remained where she stood, unmoving; with her hands still on my face, her expression blank. It's as if the words I said had the effect of freezing her on the spot. I firmly held her gaze.

Her hands had eventually released their hold from my head a couple of minutes after; she slowly drew them away, letting them hung from her sides. Afraid that I had disgusted her, in an impulse I wrapped my arms around her tiny waist, burying my face in her belly; closing that distance of a few inches that separates us. She didn't wrench herself away from my hold. We stayed like this for a few moments.

A pair of hands settled on my head, stroking.

"Stay."

I raised my head to look at her face. Gently freeing herself from my hold she stepped a couple of paces away from me. She tugged at the tie of her dressing gown, stripping herself of the robe. Naked, she sat at my lap-circling one of her arms around my neck. She leant towards me, lifting my chin with a thumb and a forefinger.

"Say my name."

She didn't wait for me to let me say it though, for in an instant her lips descended upon mine, her hot mouth capturing mine in a fierce kiss.

FIN

Notes: I'm back, and I'm up to no good again this time . I nicked the title of this fic from one of my favourite books, written by Stefan Zweig (With the same title). I just thought it fits the mood of the story perfectly.


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